GOOD TIDINGS TO ALL NIGERIA!!!!
Press Release by
Ethical Affairs Committee
Thank you for coming today to The Hague. I’m very pleased to announce today that there is a new dawn rising at Shell. Today, Shell announces a new program that leverages the power of truth and reconciliation about our past to build a sustainable future. For many years, Shell has made public commitment to the environment and the human rights. But as many of you know, in some parts of the world we have not succeeded in honoring those commitments. Our new CEO Igor Vamos has used his first hundred days in office to lay the groundwork for genuine change in the way that we do business. Under his leadership, we realize that to do what was right, we first have to publicly admit what was wrong.
For inspiration, we turn to South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation process, which by making the errors public, was the first step to achieving real change. So today, I’m proud to say we know what we have done wrong. In the next two years, we will be undergoing an extensive review, of our past operations and fully disclosing all of our problems.
The reconciliation process will involve a series of public hearing here in The Hague when we will solicit testimony from within and outside Shell, that fully reveal the extent of our abuses. And today, I’m proud to say, that we make a symbolic new start by saying to the people of the Niger Delta, WE ARE SORRY.
WE ARE SORRY FOR THE OIL AND GAS SPILLS THAT HAVE MADE YOUR RIVERS TOXIC. WE ARE SORRY FOR THE GAS FLARES THAT STINK UP YOUR VILLAGES. WE ARE SORRY FOR THE FACT THAT YOU CANNOT EAT YOUR FISH. THAT YOU CANNOT GROW ON YOUR LAND. AND THAT YOU CANNOT DRINK YOUR WATER.
WE HAVE HAD SIMILAR EXTRACTION OPERATIONS IN ALASKA WITH LITTLE PROBLEM. WE KNOW THAT THERE IS A DOUBLE STANDARD. AND THAT MUST END.
WE ARE SORRY.
I’d like to invite you all to Shell’s annual general meeting on Tuesday, May 18th in The Hague. We will begin our program there by presenting a comprehensive plan of action for the Niger Delta. Today, we also launch our new public relations campaign, the “I’M SORRY CAMPAIGN.” We will deploy street teams and cross-media advertising strategies to let the world know that Shell is different. And Shell is ultimately made up of people, smart people, people who know better than to abuse the rights of others for short-term profit, people who know better than to gamble the future of the planet. I’m very proud to be here to be making this historic announcement today.
Please join our street team for the “I’M SORRY CAMPAIGN,” outside our doors. I’m available for questions, following this meeting.
Thank you very much
***The above statement is actually a spoof that was released by THE YES MEN.
Wouldn’t it be so wonderful if it wasn’t a spoof!!!
According to the Wikipedia:
“The Yes Men are a culture jamming activist duo and network of supporters created by Jacques Servin and Igor Vamos. Through various actions, the Yes Men primarily aim to raise awareness about problematic social and political issues. To date, the duo have produced three films: The Yes Men (2003), The Yes Men Fix the World (2009) and The Yes Men Are Revolting (2014). In these films, they impersonate entities that they dislike, a practice that they call “identity correction”. The Yes Men operate under the mission statement that lies can expose truth. They create and maintain fake websites similar to ones they intend to spoof, which have led to numerous interview, conference, and TV talk show invitations. They espouse the belief that corporations and governmental organizations often act in dehumanizing ways toward the public. Elaborate props are sometimes part of the ruse (e.g. Survivaball), as shown in their 2003 DVD release The Yes Men. The Yes Men have collaborated with other groups of similar interest, including Improv Everywhere, Andrew Boyd and Steve Lambert”