Cellphone Conversation
Cellphone Conversation
(After Wole Soyinka’s “Telephone Conversation”)
My phone rang, I recognized the number
and picked it up.
“What’s going on?”
She started laughing,
and it seemed she wanted to talk,
but just couldn’t control herself.
I wanted to know
what was so funny. Finally,
she managed to stop laughing.
She said, “Have you heard about
the ban on Nigerians from immigrating here?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Serves you guys right!”
“Why?”
“Your statistics look great
only on paper,” she said.
“What statistics?”
“Have you seen the video
that is going viral
with the statistics of Nigerians
—showing how accomplished they are?”
“No I haven’t.
What does it say?”
“It says one quarter of all Nigerian immigrants
have a college degree—including you.
It’s the best of any ethnic group in the United States.
Compared that with just one out of ten
in the general population of the United States,”
“Well, that’s certainly interesting,” I responded.
“And four percent of you guys
have Ph.D.s, including you.
Compare that to just one percent
of the general population of the US.”
“Interesting.”
“Wait, there is more.
Seventeen per cent of you Nigerians
hold a Master’s degree—including you.”
“Tell me more.”
“And thirty seven percent of you
have a Bachelor’s degree—including you.
Compare that to just eleven percent
of the general US population.”
“Yeah, we study.”
“You guys are the most educated group in the US.”
“That’s remarkable.”
“It says twenty nine percent of you guys
have a graduate degree,
compared to eleven percent
of the general US population.”
“We are hard workers,” I said.
“And in terms of medicine,
seventy percent of black doctors
in the US are Nigerians.”
“Wow, that blows open my mind.”
“But you know what
the statistics does not say?”
“What?”
“That you guys are very
bad daters—including you!”
“Really? Why?”
“You may date a Nigerian all you want,
they will never marry you
—and that includes you.”
“Me?”
“When Nigerians want to get married,
they go home and bring someone
from their stupid shithole village.”
“The video says that?”
“No, it doesn’t say that.
I’m saying that!”
Silence. I was dumbstruck….
“That’s one Trump policy I support:
this immigration ban….
Hey…? Hello…? Hello…?
Are you still…there…?”
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